Jun 11, 2011

Is he the right guy for you.... or how to spot a flake

Sometimes dating can be a mine-field of confusion, and often i get asked "how do i know he's the right guy for me?" or "how do i spot a flake?" Actually both questions do not always have the same answer. Just because a guy isn't a flake, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.... if he's committed and emotionally mature enough to be with you, there are other factors that can put a girl off. I should know!

But a 'flakey' guy in any shape or form, even if you 'connect' and get on so well with each other, is never going to be 'right'. Any guy who wants to casually date or happy to dally in an emotionally uncommitted way is wasting your time. Even if he could be right for you in the future... now is where you are at.

So... how does a girl spot a flake? And if he is one... how does a girl deal with that?!

Well the first one comes with experience. Its only after dating a flake, giving him time and energy, can you really, really tell... and later start ditching any guy with a smidgen of 'flakey' traits. Forget about 'he's just not into you'... think of it as more 'he's so not right for you right now' (unless of course you're actually looking for that kinda thing. but i've never met a girl who doesn't want an emotional connection - hands up if i'm wrong though!).

In my experience there are various stages of flake... most extreme is the player who flirts, takes a number but never even arranges a date! and at the other end of the scale is the headf*ck who will go as far as dating you exclusively but introduce you as his 'friend' and never really make you feel like its going anywhere... every thing else between these two is a degree of flakiness that also confuses, frustrates and angers the hell out of a girl.

So whats with the flakiness? Well schools of thought paint a picture of guys who aren't so into a girl but love the ego boost, to guys that just like dating, guys who are afraid of commitment and the loss of freedom that comes with it, and even guys who see detachment and lack of emotion as a strength, something to maintain and return to when a relationship gets overwhelming.

And what about us women. Why does this frustrate the hell out of us? Why do girls not get flaky? I think we do get flakey, especially if the guy isn't really doing it for us emotionally and physically. However us girls can develop an emotional connection through a physical one over time so if a guy puts enough hours in, and she'll sleep with him.... there will come a time when the tables will turn and she's chasing him. Trouble is for girls we seem to focus on end goals too much and want to be further into the connection (once we decide there can be one of course!) than we are. Instead of being in the here and now, focusing on the fun, attraction and the flirtiness that initially attracted a guy to her in the first place. For the many reasons i listed earlier, he pulls away, isn't so sure anymore. She starts to nag about the lack of closeness - which he interprets as a lack on his part, him not being enough - all of which could be avoided if he didn't take it as a 'sleight' on him, realise she was just expressing her fears, took her in his arms and closed the gap physically, reassuring her with some sweet words, or she could see how he would perceive it as nagging/pressure, making him feel not good enough for her, and maybe reach out and touch him affectionately instead, seeking her own closeness - this is how emotionally mature couples in a trusting/loving relationship tend to act or should act, a flake on the other hand never would...

So back to how to spot a flake! The less committed a guy is the easier to spot right. If he doesn't call or breaks off dates all the time he's just wasting your time - ditch! Its harder when the lines are not so clear cut. His behaviour is confusing. Well not anymore.

Tried and tested, here are the signs of a emotionally unavailable flake:

Physical Closeness - you have this in spades. you guys are 'hot!' he's all over you. but you mainly see him in your bed (or his) and no many place else. in fact its the only thing you seem to have going for you both

Words - he tells you how amazing you are all the time. and makes it sound like an expression of 'love'. But is hardly interested you as a person, or your life, and most probably doesn't see you as his gf when everyone but him knows it. did i not mention words are cheap. especially as men have this ability to 'mean' what they say at the time, but change their minds as often as their pants.

Compartmentalizing - you never meet his friends/family and he keeps you separate from everything he regards as 'close' to him in his life. this means he can drop you like a hot rock if need be, and he gets his freedom

Quality Time (not intimate ones) - these are few and far between. you don't experience many things together and your relationship lacks shared times/memories/places/events. he doesn't book you in for future events, unless its a booty call and makes you feel uncertain about if he wants to see you again the moment he walks out the door

Gifts/Services - he never buys you gifts (even if its just a token like a kinder egg!) or invest any of his hard earned cash on you, or ever gone out of his way to do something nice for you. people who are smitten think of nice things to do and give tokens of appreciation

Campaigning - he only wants you to see the polished side of him and if arguments or bad times do arise... he may punish you for the drama, disagreeing or being upset by cutting off his attention and affection for you by suddenly being unavailable/busy. you're unable to talk about your 'feelings' for fear of making him angry and going awol

So there they are, what to look for. Some guys will have just one or two of these traits, maybe he just lacks a bit of emotional maturity for his age.... but if a guy has at least 4-6 of these bad habits i'm sorry to say with you are with a guy who has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

What to do then? How do you deal with this kind of flake? Even if he's 100% committed to you and only you, there aren't any other girls on the horizon, this guy is not giving you everything you need to feel secure in a trusting, loving relationship, and bound to make you ask more than usual 'where the hell is this going' and make you feel 'insecure'. Guys like this may not even realise they are doing it, but for a woman its soul destroying not to get what she needs while he's getting his. And long-term... can make a girl lose her confidence and drive.

If he's a 4-6 pointer i'd have to say get rid girl. He's not worth the effort. When you do meet a guy who ticks neither of those boxes, who is emotionally mature enough to deal with a girl's feelings and needs... its amazing. I can't stress enough that women blame themselves too much for 'acting a girl' or 'being too insecure', but they hardly look at the men who culture this behaviour in women, the men who take no responsibility for their actions by saying 'if you feel that way, thats your problem not mine'.

A relationship is two people. Find a guy that knows that and invest your energy in fun, flirty goodness and leave the 'flakes' to deal with their issues.... god knows they have a hell of a lot more than you.


Jan 16, 2011

Should girls approach and ask a guy out?

While trawling the web for material i cam across this guy who hosts female boot camps or female pick up weekends. I actually didn't knew they existed!


The whole weekend is aimed at teaching women how to meet, flirt and attract men and how to date. Its also totally in the field. I've been on some of the ones for guys (lovesystems.com) and i've sometimes talked with guy instructors about a market for female lessons, but the general view is its a waste of time - 1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want 2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to 3) its easier to teach men to pickup as women are after relationships and men are after sex.

Now I used to be a big fan of approaching guys and making the first move. Once i'd gotten over my fear of rejection, it was easy to bite the bullet and just do it. What else did you have to lose? Of course i wouldn't walk right up to a guy and ask him out... that's way too direct. Men like to think they thought of it first. I'd just sashay up and introduce myself and ask a question or start a conversation. If he showed interest then i'd flirt a bit more, look into his eyes, smile, touch his upper arm... and if he didn't i'd have a get out clause waiting in the form of a friend or already have excused myself.

Its usually a 50/50 chance that he'd be interested and we'd swap numbers. Better odds than when guy approaches a girl, but on reflection, of all the guys i managed to successfully approach and get a date with, i've never had anything more with them than that. After trying it for two years as my strategy for dating, i can say that the pua guy instructors were right:

1) women don't need to pay to meet guys, they can date a guy if they want - Matthew Hussey the guy hosting the 'womens weekends' says that women are always saying they 'never meet guys'. Now that's not true. We do meet guys, we are harassed by men wanting to marry/date/sleep with us all the time, just not the guys we like or a guy we can see ourselves settling with. Women are more fussier than men. Its not about his looks. Its about the package. Where as men its all about the looks. If you don't appeal to guys physically he isn't going to date you. Teaching women how to flirt and approach men in street/club/library/bars may not change that, but lowering our standards might.

2) men say they want a girl to make the first move, but in reality men need to - its all about the chase and men are more likely to believe a girl worthy of the chase if he had to do all the work in the first place. Men need to feel like they are the 'hunter' in this game otherwise you run the risk of emasculating him from the start. Im the same, i prefer a guy to make the first move. call me old fashioned but shy guys turn me off. and if i can ask a guy out... then i have no respect for a guy who can't ask me out.

3) its easier to teach men to pickup as men are just after sex, while women are after relationships - yes men are a little more easier to please. Hence why there are so many successful 'how to meet and date women' sites/communities out there. They teach a guy how to widen their nets and polish their exterior enough that they appeal to women in the short-term. Their end goal is meet, attract, comfort, control and sleep with the girl. Women on the other hand need to learn different skills if its a guy they need to attract, date and keep! For one thing they need to meet men in different places to where guys can meet girls because the end goal is different. That rules out bars and clubs making approaching harder. They can't set the scene and have a fave club where they know the bar staff and all the guys there are all over here. That would put too many guys off. They can't talk about themselves all the the time and be entertaining, women need to learn to compliment, ask questions and listen, but that means the guy has to be interesting or you'll be talking about football all night. They need to totally change the way they handle men and get rid of any bad habits they might have in how they deal with emotions and not think in a negative, overly analytical manner at every text/call/or date...

So in summary, should a girl approach and ask a guy out? i think its good women get over their insecurities and try it a few times, but i don't think women should think that its the holy grail to their dating problems. I'm a big believer in working on yourself, your interests and your life will be a better investment. Being independent and not needing a guy is still the biggest attraction we have as well as our looks.

And i'm more inclined to prefer the more subtle method of getting a guy to ask you out that i've developed that always seems to work - how i got my last two boyfriends ;) Lets just say for now that its all in the eyes...

Dec 27, 2010

The saying goes "Men Commit When They Are Ready"... is this true?

I was once told that "Women commit when they find 'The One, but Men commit when they are good and ready, no matter who they are with at that time." I never paid much attention to the meaning. To be honest at the time i was 21 and in an amazing relationship with a guy i really cared about. I'd met 'The One' and so had he.... case closed.

Now... years later i'm a little older, wiser and dating men in their 30s who are happy to retire their 'cheesy pick-up lines' and 'casual fun' in place of something a bit more permanent, like a 'wife'! I can now spot them a mile a way. They have that look in their eye like their assessing a horse for a race. Can she endure to the last mile, does she have good breeding, will she help or hinder my goals.

Case Open?

These men are 'ready' to settle, no bones about it. And first dates are no longer a mesh of irresponsible drinking, dancing in the water fountain, eating bad take-away food and then running for the bus at 6am giggling in each others arms. First dates are now like appointments or interviews, with 2 hour slots and a responsible glass of wine in a cosy pub while swapping highlights of achievements and experiences, then ending with a polite kiss before going home to be in bed for a respectable 11pm turn in.

Its kinda freaking me out. I mean i've been wondering when things would give and guys would start pushing for more while i hung back dragged my heels, but this is beyond what i expected. I've spent all of my 20s running around after guys i've fallen for, trying to make them love me back, and now im the one who is being chased. The worst thing is its not with any flair or passion, their chasing is logical and methodical and just plain boring.

Its not that they aren't attractive. Don't get me wrong, 'Northern Boy' is really cute with a very nice body, and kisses that almost leave bruises. And 'Mr Mars' has these sexy liquid brown eyes and hot Latino looks that can melt me at 100 paces... but they are not 'The One' for me. I know im fussy but it isn't all about looks. The important things to me are missing, like ambition, humor etc . And that leads me back to the first line of this post "Women settle when they meet 'The One'. I now believe this to be true. The only times i've ever considered settling was when i was in a relationship with a guy that had similar interests and direction to me (as well as being hot of course).

Men on the other hand... the amount of times my male friends have said to me that they regret losing 'that girl', or an ex has called me out of the blue saying he made a mistake when he left me. It seems they are 'ready' to settle but sadly there's not a decent girl to be found, so they dredge up the past and their phone book and start trying to rekindle old flames. One guy text me recently after 3 years! Another wouldn't leave me alone, after i accidentally bumped into him in the street, until i started ignoring his phone calls, and even that took months. Somehow this happens less with women? (And that leads me to wonder why is ok for a guy to hound a girl to death and not ok for a girl - she just becomes a crazy stalker? Maybe thats a question for another post?)

So now im 30, enjoying a new-age of adult dating with men who hand you their CV when you walk through the door, can i finally endorse that saying? Are there more guys in their 30s ready to settle than not? OR have i just gotten wiser to the 'players' and the 'gamers' out there know how to avoid them?

Not sure yet... will keep you posted!


Nov 13, 2010

How to change your mindset, be more positive and be in control

In other words, how do you create a reality you want to be in... cos its so easy to find yourself 'trapped' in an environment you don't want. You drag your tired feet and weary head through each day, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. You moan to yourself, friends and family of how bad your present situation is. You expect the world around you has to change before you can smile again and be positive...

well wrong.

Why? because simply how you feel right now is 70% how you perceive the situation, 20% how much you accept things you cannot change, and 10% what you're doing to change it. What does that tell me? That 90% of happiness is all in your mind.

I want to share with a plan im working on to help you move towards a more positive place.

Most of my close friends know im a big romantic... heartbreak can devastate me for a short while, which it did recently, when I realized i misplaced my trust and heart with someone undeserving.

All it takes is a big fall and the rest just have to exist to keep me there, work stress can knock me for six, family issues can bring me down... etc

But i'm also a fighter, and just as much as i fall, i know i can climb right back up. All i need are the right people around me, the right tools and my own determination.

I'm a great believer in we choose our happiness. Someone once told me happy people are happy on purpose. I study positive psychology in my spare time (im hoping to do a masters) and in fact your mindset/perception is the most important thing to change first in order to change anything in your life. And being able to be positive has such an impact when your trying to deal with lifes issues.

So i worked very hard these last few months to break the habit im so bad at having.... worrying and not doing. pulled out all my inspiring books and papers and put together my 3 month plan. This post is all about the first month which is changing mindset:

Month One - To change mindset and get into 'good' habits
(You will need a small notebook and carry with you everyday)

Good habit #1 - Appreciation & Self (2 mins)
First step to being content is knowing what you do have. Just having a positive attitude makes others attracted to you and can help you connect with others.
Daily - Write down at least one answer for each and believe in them

1) what im i grateful for today & why. what good things happened (try to see silver lining in everything)
2) what makes you amazing today. sell yourself to yourself (don't laugh at this one)
2) reminder - what im i aiming for this week/month (your one major goal) and why do u deserve it.

Good habit #2 - Own Motivation & Satisfaction (2 mins + task time)
Its good to see progress even on a simple level like a personal to-do list
Sun/Mon - Write down 3 action a week things that are for yourself only, which will make a difference in your life and make u feel good having done them.
These can be things that take you towards your goal or just help you along in life. They should be non-work related.
Now do them through out the week and tick off as you go along.

Good habit #3 - Realise you are in control (15 mins)
Just by knowing what you want you are in control of your life.
At beginning of week - write down 1 thing you want to happen in all areas of your life (work, career, love, family, money, health, social, home)
At end of week - tick off the things this week and in past weeks that you have gained or have happened

Good habit #4 - Be in the moment (1 hour)
The mind can take over your body if you don't keep in check,
Take one hour at least for yourself once week to do something relaxing (go to the gym, go for a walk, cook etc). This can also be broken down into 15 mins a day (meditate or take a bath)
The most important thing is not to think about anything except what you are doing. Let your mind rest (no worries or thinking negatively as this gets you into bad habits)

It seems like a lot to do but in fact it will take only a small part of your time up everyday, and once you get into the habit it will be second nature.

These are the foundation blocks that we can build on for later so its important to make them a habit... months 2 and 3 focused more on the doing and gaining side of things

How i know things worked: well i got everything i asked for an i feel so much more positive and in control. I was in this place 3 years ago (doing much the same thing) and it feels so good to be back on top.

i wrote this here because i wish and hope everyone who reads this can find the inspiration to reach the same place if not better than so they have an amazing xmas! i know everyone is different and somethings work better for others, but i do hope it works for u like it did me... thats if you wish to try.


Oct 10, 2010

Weird things guys have said to me... *seriously*

I'll let you into a secret. Girls like to share the pain of a bad date, even to the point of sending their friends excerpts of text/emails from guys. I have quite a collection of funny quotes now from girls that i'm hoping to put into some kind of published format... but until then i thought why not post a sample online too ;)

Here are a few choice one-liners that have come my way recently. I'll leave it to you to decide if its 'normal' or not:

Second Date Guy: "No honestly. I eat nails." I think i thought he meant he bit his nails but no... he actually was referring to steel nails.

Mr Talks all the time: "i used to pretend i was a wolf so i could fight with my dog" is it normal for a guy to fight with his dog? He had a lot of teeth mark scars to prove it...

The Texan : "Yeah she sleeps on my sofa and pays me in kind for rent. It works well." I honestly tried to climb out the window of the bathroom after this one.

Muscle Guy: "What do you mean by the fact that you have many brothers... is there a deeper meaning to that?" No i have a lot of brothers.

The Army Guy: "Are you also a lesbian?" Eventually worked out he wanted a threesome.

The boyfriend: "Its cave-man boy time" rii-ight. maybe after eastenders?

Mr Cool: " i like that shiny shit on your face. makes you look like an alien" i take compliments where i can get them

Industry Guy: "I was thinking of where to go. Do you like Trannie-oke?" Say again?

Sex Pest:"Can i come over and give you a massage? Purely platonic of course" It was a big fat no.

The Ex: "I re-added you back on facebook so you can see that i'm over you." Not weird but i wasn't expecting it.

Mr Part-Time Model: "Truthfully though, do you think im fat?" I now know how it feels to be a guy

The Aussie: "I've lost my headphones. Can i look in your bag incase you've taken them?" what?

Cute Bar Tender: "We have to be careful of what we say, cos you know government is hiding aliens from us" just randomly thrown in a serious conversation about taxes

First Date Only Guy: "You seem distant. Is it because i've got a coldsore?" i don't think i need to answer that...

First Date Only Guy much later:"So you're not going to have sex with me. I bought u a beer?" We ended up having this argument in the street while i was getting into a taxi to go home

First Date Only Guy much much later via text:"Whats your address. I want to make sure you get home ok" Delete, delete, delete...

Ok well thats a few i can recall. Share the love if you've had any weird boy experiences...

Love ya all

L xoxo

Sep 26, 2010

Why watching 'sex and the city' gives men insight into the worst traits a woman can have...

Someone once told me that all girls can relate to Sex and the City because each character (Miranda, Charlotte, Carrie and Samantha) are all aspects of the female personality, so any girl can identify with the show.

Is this true? are all modern women capable of finding within themselves the reserved nature of Charlotte, the ambitious/controlling attitude of Miranda, and the wanton sex drive of Samantha, all the while being as flaky and analytical as Carrie? I like to think that women are more complex than that surely?

Recently i noticed my 3 closest friends actually resemble characters from show:

Toya is Charlotte... always beautifully turned out, coquettish and demure, believing in true love and doing things in the right way.

Eli is Miranda... direct, driven, and always classy. A very determined young lady with an attitude to work first and chill out later.

Lyns is Samatha... flamboyant, daring and often dressed to kill. Men to her are always beautiful and her passion for life often leaves me exhausted.

And so where does that leave me? Im i the flaky dating columnist who is to quote Carrie "A crazy person running around the streets of New York City trying to get Big to love me back."... er well i do write a blog on dating, and i love fashion, and i am a very thoughtful person?!

So if thats true and i'm Carrie... who is my Mr Big?

I once told an Ex he was my "Aiden". I was drunk at the time but no excuse. It was an insult. Why? because Aiden was the sap she didn't really want. That must mean there has been at some point a guy i did want more than any other, who rocked my world, made me go weak at the knees, forever running across the city just to see him?

I'll admit there has been two guys that match that description, who i allowed myself to fall in love with, but they have come and gone and now no longer a part of my life... there is no Mr Big. The problem with Carrie was that she was always bumping into him, however big NYC was. Chris Noth was always there. Out of sight, out of heart really does work and for me its worked so well that my Mr Big (or the guy who just kept reeling me back in) has now gone for good.

So as much as i love Carrie's clothes, her sense of direction in life and the way she dates feels way too chaotic for my tastes. At my worst i am her, and i would say that of all of my friends and of all of the other characters. No sane woman wants to be the girls from Sex and the City... but sometimes we just are because that's how crazy women can get if left to their own devices and exposed to female-only advice for too long.

Give us 2 hours with a bottle of wine and a man to discuss and we will have it so wrong its almost painful to listen to. Just like getting a bunch of guys together with a keg of beer will make them more alpha and neanderthal-like. We women do the opposite, enhancing our own emotional responses just by sounding off with one another.

In other words we get more girly...

Luckily as much as i love my girls, i listen to my guy friends too. Sometimes i don't listen to anyone and make even more of a mess. But whats proved to me in life and in any story, as long as you learn your lesson completely and thoroughly, theres always a way to get up, dust yourself off and start again - theres always a second chance.

And apologies for taking so long to get back into the swing of writing. Work, my job and even my own company is mentally busy right now, but its amazing! Finding my balance between all of the things i love has been my challenge this fall. but its all coming together ;) also new people in my life are starting to make it interesting again, so watch this space

love ya all xoxo


Jun 8, 2010

Bargaining your way back to heartbreak... and how to break the cycle

Most people who are reaching late twenties, early thirties... unless they've been living in a monastery for the whole of their adult life, have experienced heartbreak. It seems there are different stages to getting over someone, and no matter how many times its happened to me, i get it wrong each and every time. Theres a new lesson to experience i know it... but omg it hurts like hell and the situation always sucks.

If you've ever been hurt you'll be familiar with the tiny voice in your head that whines about the poor deal you've been dealt, time and time again, rearing ugly feelings of sadness, anger, low-self esteem, depression, regret, self-blame, denial, loss.... shall i go on?

On a therapists sofa this voice is neatly coined as 'bargaining', a stage of grief where your thoughts are your worst enemy, often making the situation 'feel' worse than it actually is. And even more depressing, you're addicted to the falling into the bargain loop over and over, convincing yourself of your own misery, and that you're still not over it.

Well good news is that this is the last stage of heartbreak, and its a 100% your own fantasyland that just isn't real. The bad news is that the cycle is tough to break. mainly because you like your fantasy, it may get you attention (in the beginning), the lows are infrequent and inbetween enough highs that you convince yourself its never going to come back, and its triggered by as little as 'just having a bad day'.

Its the stage where we are 'certain' we can get back what we lost. If that person just knew how you felt they would act differently. If you think about what happened time and time again you would see where you went wrong. Its the side of you that wants to fix it and thinks it can. And thats the danger... because you just can't.

I did the worst thing i could ever do when breaking up with someone. I just wouldn't let it go. Even though my mind accepted that we weren't going to be together, and i knew that remaining friends was preventing me from moving on... my heart refused to believe, and my actions became inconsistent with what i was saying, so much i couldn't see how irrational i was behaving. To be honest... thats pretty normal. You'd be a cold-hearted biatch if you really did love someone but didn't have any inner turmoil when letting go. And so I couldn't help it, i was acting like i still needed this guy, still wanted him in my life. And you know what, I did. I wanted to be in touch, keep the door open for just the slightest bit of hope that i could still control the situation.

I'll be honest... when you're panicking about losing someone your head is f*cked and you really don't know what the hell you are doing. I gave over to my emotions and wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. In doing so i kinda messed things up that now this guy can't even trust me to be in contact still. And being blanked/ignored/given the silent treatment... it sucks.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes it astounds me when others say "wow you are so good at relationship advice". Hell no, i'm not. I just see clearly when my emotions aren't clouding my judgement and i don't place blame. In my love life... i will never see clearly and sometimes i blame myself to much. Its only by writing that i can express how i feel and see the bigger picture.

All you can do when you wake up and realise you've been bargaining... is stop convincing yourself that you were wrong, and that you need/can get back what you lost. Best way is to not sugar coat the past. Whoever hurt you made mistakes too and so if you're going to lay blame... share the love! And then just accept the situation, warts an all. They are never going to change, come back or listen. Whats done is done. Its time you got on with your life and stopped looking back.

Things to think about:

1) its natural to think you can change it and to blame yourself

2) everyone has gone through what you're going through

3) convincing yourself that what you lost was better than what you have now is futile

4) think about what the 'real' situation was. the past and people are not as great as you remember. There was a reason you were unhappy and acted accordingly

5) you can't change it so dont try. Just get one with everything else and come back to it later (much later) if its so important.

6) and write to express yourself, even if only to throw it away. I have so many unfinished letters not sent to exes. If one escapes and actually does get sent (which is bad) then don't worry too much. But try not to send them. Write on paper so the possibility is less.

Right this moment i'm struggling to follow my own advice. When i fully embrace acceptance its like theres a wall between my heart and everything else. This is the third time i've been burnt by love and i'm not sure i could go through it all again. In fact i don't want to. No guy is worth this much pain. I gave my heart away so willingly last time... i'm reluctant to, ever again, for anyone.

I'm sitting here thinking of him and i wonder if when he told me he couldn't let anyone in after being hurt... if this is what he felt. Has he passed this curse on to me instead? If that's true, then i can finally see what he was going through. The hardest task would be to trust someone again, let them into your heart, after you've been damaged. I've gone through heartbreak twice (and the first time was more than enough) and something has truly been lost this time. Maybe my innocence towards love and embracing it when it happens? I was a passionate person, adoring the intense feelings of the moment, romanticising them beyond belief.... and now...?

I've been dating some great guys. They are kind, sweet, funny and very cute. But. I have nothing to give. My feelings are under wraps at all times. I never let them in. I don't want to. Don't want to lose control ever again. i feel like i'm numb inside, and theres this part of me i won't let them see or reach. I'm drifting in the middle of a big ocean or behind so much glass, nothing can get to me there. Its where i'm safe, so why should i leave... Unless it feels like the real thing, real love, why should i open myself up to so much hurt. I'd rather stay single. And further more, does real love even exist, equally between two people? The most sucessful couples seems to be those that aren't deeply, passionate around each other. There are no butterflies in stomaches or movie moment kisses, or intense sex. In fact most of them have told me its always been kinda boring... and there is love, just not the kind i always get drawn too. And furthermore, each couple seems to content, but not overly so.... there s little bit of reservation about what they have. Like they aren't 100% sure its what they want. And yet these are the couples that work. Maybe having this wall around my heart is good thing. Maybe i need to learn to protect myself from ever losing myself in someone else ever again. If not being able to let anyone in again helps me do that... then so be it

And so accepting the heartbreak does wonders for moving on... but still not sure what do to about wall around my heart yet. Maybe i'll leave it standing for a while longer...


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